[INFO......]
In past issues of The Crypt and our sort of sister diskmag called The Ripper, which myself as Dr. Jekyll, Ian Fyvie (Ferret) & Ray Hawkins (Dungeon Master) were part of. Plus other lads, decided to do a profile of ourselves so as to let some of our readers know a little of the lads and what makes them tick.
Of Course as Dr. Jekyll of those who have seen some of my past Crypt & Ripper articles know that most of my articles were filled with bad swear words, now, I haven't changed and turned into a good boy (huh, some bloody chance of that) but as The Crypt has moved from being a small-time diskmag and into what it is now, being on the net and worldwide, the powers that be I.E our sponsors and the likes of the big boys in the miggy world who kindly allow us to legally use the "Amiga" says that bad language HAS to be cut down to a very bare minimum. Hence! I felt that my old style of Dr. Jekyll's articles were coming to an end, or could I incorporate the needs of the many (less swearing) for the needs of the few (swear occasional), I thought not, but then again perhaps I'll give it a go.
Now, some of my past "Dr. Jekyll" articles, I think were easily able to offend anyone who wasn't used to my sort of humour, so I had to direct my piss- take at those of the lads who I thought were able to cope with my humour. Well, that hasn't changed, I'm not going to become a goody-goody, Dr. Jekyll still reigns in The Crypt, so, I've decided to have a go a getting back into my old DJ ways by taking the opportunity to do my own Dr. Jekyll type profile on one of our beloved founder members of The Crypt. Yep, Dungeon Master, this is how I think your profile should look.
Here goes......
Dungeon Master or as he's really called Ray Hawkins, was the child of two people - his mum and his dad I think. He had a near normal childhood, well as normal a childhood can be for a lad who would one day be part creator and mentor of a great disk/web mag as "The Crypt". He did the normal ladlike things, as pulling little girls ponytails, knocking peoples doors and then running away, egg blowing (for the young lads amongst us, egg blowing involves pinching eggs for birds nest in the country, sticking a pin hole at each end of the egg and blowing the contents out which just left an empty shell, these empty shells were then collected) OK, so it sounds a bit barbaric nowadays, but that's what lads used to do, and young Raymond was no exception to the rules. Apparently another of Rays boyhood hobbies was "Frog blowing" he'd go to the nearest pond to where he'd live, grab hold of a frog, block the frogs bumhole with something (possibly his finger.....smelly but true), then blow down the frog mouth, the frog then was able to be blown up like a football, then released and Ray would stand and watch the frog zip around in the air like a slowly inflated balloon whilst making one hell of a high pitched scream from the frogs anal gland - Strange but true.
From what I can gather I don't think Ray was a "Wanted Child" by his parents. Upon visiting the new-born baby at the hospital, his father saw young Ray and then asked Ray's mum for a divorce, "How can you expect me to push him around in a pram, he's so ugly" his dad said to his mum, "You daft sod" she replied, "He's turned around in his cot, that's his bum", "oh, sorry love" replied his dad".
But Rays parental troubles hadn't stopped there, no siree, from the age of 9 he started so show signs of being the rampant old sod that I know him as now. Most kids used to play doctors and nurses, but Ray on the other hand took that game a stage further, he wanted to give his young females an internal medical checkup, and not having a pair of rubber gloves he improvised with a featherlite which he found in his fathers pocket. Slipping the featherlite onto his hand to act as a rubber glove he suddenly decided to change from playing doctors and nurses and onto mummy's & daddy's (for real), anyway, the outcome was that 3 years later he and his 12 year old girlfriend were suddenly thrust into real-time parent hood.
Several years went by, and at the age of 16 young Ray started his first job, he took on a job as a sperm-BANK donor, but that job only lasted a few weeks owing to the fact that of all the deposit's he had made, he wanted to make the odd withdrawal from time to time. He then went to work in a ladies boutique, but was sacked from that job within the same day when several women complained that he wanted to personally supervise them trying on their bra's and pants, he was going to SLING that job in because he reckoned that it was such a bum job, but the lesbian manageress sacked him because she thought that he was interfering with far to many female customers.
Ray also worked deck-hand at his local harbour, as soon as ships had docked their own deck hands had to throw a rope to Ray so he would be able to tie the boat up to the dock, but being such a lad as "I'll do what I want when I want" he was sacked from this job for not TOWING THE LINE.....sorry, I couldn't resist that.
Then some months later he job a stonking job as a bank teller in his local town bank, but 4 months later he was sacked for taking his work home with him, upon a night raid by police they found paper clips, pens, staples & several thousand pounds in used bank notes.
A week or so later, Ray got a job at his local telephone company headquarters as a telephonist, but after several rude phone calls to young single females both Ray and another male telephonist accomplice were now said to be helping police with their enquires. A spokesman for the local police added that for the benefit of the local perverts, the normal 08056- 382436 had been stopped....the new number was now 08057-382436 but only after 6pm Monday, Wednesday & Friday, but after numerous complaints from the local convent who's number was also 08057- 382436 the number has now been changed to 422438.
Three months of Ray being unemployed, saw him take on a whole new direction to his working career, he starting taking phone orders for his local Chinese take-away, but after insisting that a regular young female ex- choirgirl customer should have two 69's instead of 3 23's, he was sacked and later arrested by police for improper suggestions on the phone. Later in court he was acquitted but ordered to pay for a free meal for the judge at the same take-away, but 3 days later, the same judge, 3 barristers, 4 court clerks, 6 senior policemen and 7 members of the jury for all arrested for also making improper suggestions to the same lady, who was found at her home dressed in a leather catsuit and whipping 2 high court judges, the case continues.....
Some of Ray's early working years are unknown to me, but when he was 30 years old he started a job as a milkman, but he surprised everyone, even himself when after 3 loyal years with the same company he received his third award for the best milkman in his district. The award came in the shape of a certificate and also a statuette which was made up of Ray in a gold coloured coat carrying a gold coloured crate of milkbottles with an short verse at the bottom saying something like "Raymond Hawkins - The Best Milkman for 3 years running - In Fact - He's The Cream Of The Crop!!!.
But the 4th year saw a totally different Ray H in the milkman industry, he was sacked part-way through his forth year, his previous years sexual urges finally came to light again, he started to offer the sexy young female single or married customers a very special service, he would take payment for his milk with sexual payments, he was so clever at his job that he even devised a list of sexual payments for various dairy products, I think the list went something like this.
I think that the last part of the list was ripped off for whatever reason.
In '88 he was offered a job by his local vicar, as a Campanologist, but told the vicar that he wasn't gay and to go and swivel, he later found out that a campanologist was basically the proper name for a bell ringer.
In '89 he was offered a job as a customer who was drinking in the Woolpack Inn in Emmerdale farm, but lost the job due to the director finding out that Ray could indeed act, well, he only played the virgin Mary at his local infants school years ago, in which he felt a right Ass, but due to his age he wasn't arrested for that offence.
In 1990 Ray decided to give full-time acting a proper go, the job title stated that he would be the Scunthorpe's New actors play about a boy who lived on a farm with his parents, and of how the boy loved animals but wanted to better himself from the normal menial farm-work task's. Ray thought that he might get the star-role, instead, himself and a Miss Joanna Gogood (who just happened to be the easiest ride in Ray's area) was given the duel role of a horse, Ray had very bad eyesight, so he gave the role of being the head of the horse to Miss Gogood, but due to the couple sexual antics inside the horse one day while on "A-Shoot" Ray & Joanna was sacked. To which the director stated to the local press that he had never in all his years as a director had never seen until that day a horse doing break- dancing.
Rumour has it that Ray & Miss Gogood, after that day had split up and gone their own separate ways, Miss Gogood had supposedly settled down with and ex- maggot juggler from Merseyside, while Ray had supposedly joined the police service in some way.
A few months later I found out that Ray had actually joined the police, but had masqueraded as a female prison officer in order to get into all-womens prison. He had cunningly succeeded for about 9 months, then all of a sudden 27 female inmates, 5 lady probation officers, 5 visiting lady magistrates, both the deputy and head lady governor and 4 office staff all got pregnant. Ray was found out to be the culprit, and even with him shaving twice a day no-one suspected a thing, even his big ugly ex-swedish aupair Heidi never suspected a thing, during an interview with the head governor who asked Heidi "Didn't you think it strange to see a lady shave twice a day Heidi", she asked, "No maam, I shave once a day........but my face...well, maybe twice a week (think about it lads).
Eventually Ray did join the police, be it on as a civvy on the desk at his local cop shop, then maybe due to fate, Ray and myself came to be contact whilst we were both on the Amstrad 464/6128 scene, but we all make mistakes don't we, however, we more or less both went simultaneously over to the miggy and the rest as they say his history......